What's In A Name?

Everything and nothing, apparently.

The name "Shouts of Nothingness" sounds very negative all of a sudden. Although the name was taken from a book representing the wisdom of life, it now sounds like my thoughts and words on this page are meaningless. Which is not the case. I am only trying to find myself, discover and unravel my thoughts and express them in a logical manner. And analyze why I am sometimes unable to recognize my own thoughts and actions and why them seem disproportionate to each other at times.

I know I am too hard on myself and need to take go easy on me.

I've been told that I am my own worst enemy.

These are thoughts to ponder on, but have not led anywhere yet in terms of fixing the issue in my convoluted mind. Obviously I need to take stock of why my mind is so filled with confusion and pain. The alter ego represents just the opposite. Does everybody else have such a Jekyll and Hyde side to them?

I only wanted to be different. Instead have ended up feeling like the odd one one and the outcast in so many ways. This was not what I'd bargained for to happen.

Why is it that I cannot see what others sometimes see? In a photograph, one tends to be critical (overly?) of oneself and see all the ugliness that requires fixing. Yet others see a nice smile and a pretty face. Or so they say. Why do I doubt whether their compliments are genuine? Or react with surprise when it seems that they are truly being nice?

Am I truly way too harsh on my own self?

Has my self esteem eroded to such depths that it shocks even me?

Why do I inflict pain on myself and my loved ones, exactly what I know I should not do and hate doing? What kind of sadistic purpose can it hope to fulfil?

Am I such a lowly character?

I pray to come out of this hole I have dug myself into.