Doesn't Have To Be Serious

Life, is what I am referring to in the title.

The title is also a cool song.

Then why oh why, do we take life so seriously?

Chillax, chill, take it easy, relax, are terms we hear often. We utter the same frequently when we sense people around us hyperventilating about an issue, especially about seemingly minor and silly things.

Note to self: Don't sweat the small stuff!!

Realization

I'm not half the person I thought I was, or thought myself to be.

-- Am given to jealousy vis-a-vis friends, if I enjoy less favor than earlier. Some team up and forget about my existence. Or so it seems.

-- Resentment that cousins who used to look up to me once, now think they are better off. Are they really? Does a few dollars more make you a better person if you forget those who once shared and showered you with time, affection, and gifts?

Shattering Myths and Contradictions Galore

1. I’m a pretty good driver, can speed, control the car, all thanks to my fast reflexes -- defensive driving is child’s play for me!

…And yet, a friend whose car I was driving once commented that I was a rough driver! That took me totally by surprise.

2. Although by no means an exhibitionist, I’d like to think I’m open about my views, thoughts, opinions, and lastly, my feelings. Yes, more or less, in that order. Who doesn't enjoy attention every now and then? I’d like to be seen and heard, not necessarily the life of the party, but not a wallflower wilting in a corner either. Neutral, not extreme.

…And yet, people discovering me online, however public or private my persona is, doesn’t quite gel with me. Especially people who know me to some extent, or know of me. Complete strangers don’t matter.

3. I’m highly intuitive and sensitive to other’s feelings.

…And yet, I hurt my loved ones often and over and over again. And this despite knowing how they'd react to my temper tantrums or sharp tongue.

4. People who I work with mostly see me as a cheerful, funloving, often mischievous, jovial and humorous individual, passionate about the work I do.

…And yet, there is a dark unappealing side to me that is revealed only to those I am closest to. I can be a picture of self pity, sadness, negativity, lethargy, and confusion. No, not a pretty picture :(

5. I have a pretty good sense and grip of fashion and what looks good and what doesn’t.

…And yet, when it comes to myself, there appears to be a gaping hole in this area. A blind spot. I have a closet full of clothes that average about 15 yrs in existence; styles that have long gone out of fashion that I don’t wear, but continue to hoard because I don't have the heart to give them away and because they are still in great condition; I dress ordinarily and without flair, with very occasional flashes of creativity and imagination quite contrary to my personality.

6. Am wild and young at heart, and care a hoot for what society thinks of me.

…And yet, I am cautious, ever seeking approval from near and dear ones, wise beyond my years, making me feel old and out of sync with present times. I tend to worry constantly once I encounter criticism or not-so-positive opinions from others.

Reinvention

Its good for the soul, they say. Apart from the mind and body.
Change, reinvention, blah blah. So does one undergo an inward or outward transformation? Or both? What will help achieve the status of being "reinvented"?

The only thing one is familiar with is the word "stagnation". Where am I headed? Is there a path? Is there a destination? Right now, it looks like a total dead end.

If one is to look for the light at the end of the tunnel...well, the tunnel seems to be never ending. What then? Too deep in the tunnel now to turn around and go back either.

No way out!

So back to reinvention....the whys and the hows. No clues at the moment. Dunno where to look for them darn clues either...

WHY?!

Despite the time off, why does the urge to blog come forth only at midnite or even later, on the eve of long work days? :(

Discipline...is it a virtue? If viewed that way, its almost an unattainable goal for me!

Must try to think of it as a habit, that needs to be inculcated. This realization should have come eons ago, but its never too late to learn stuff in life, is it?

Can't afford to miss the bus on this one, either. But how? Need an action plan...breathe in, breathe out, and take baby steps.